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FOR TEENS

The author describes adolescence as a “period of mourning”, during which you must grieve for the end of your childhood while preparing for young adulthood.

• In what ways are you aware that you might be coming to terms with the end of your childhood?
• What aspects of your childhood will you miss the most and are the hardest to let go of?
• What aspects of your childhood are you most enthusiastic about leaving behind?
• What aspects of becoming an adult feel most challenging, most daunting?
• What aspects of becoming an adult seem most appealing?

The author writes about the importance of traveling from the land of “There must be something wrong with me” to the land of “There must be something important I’m trying to say”.

• What important things are you trying to say that sometimes come across as there being something “wrong” with you?
• Are there other ways to say what you want to say without worrying or upsetting parents, teachers and other adults?

The author discusses the concept of loving oneself “because of, rather than in spite of, one’s limitations and liabilities”.

• How can you make it more likely that you accept yourself and all of your inadequacies, flaws and weaknesses, rather than insist upon perfection?
• What would you have to give up or change to achieve this state of self-acceptance?
• What would be the advantages of doing so?

In one of her first letters, Amanda complains about her mother’s tendency to worry about her, to constantly intrude on and scrutinize Amanda to the point where she feels suffocated. The author attempts to gently explain to Amanda how she has contributed to her mother’s worried state, and what she might do to help offset it.

• What behaviors on your parents’ part do you find to be most offensive, most alienating, most difficult to put up with?
• What, if anything, do you think you might have done or be doing that is, even unintentionally, encouraging these behaviors?
• What, if anything, do you think you might do that would discourage these behaviors?

In some of these letters, the author tries to show Amanda how her parents’ behavior is rooted in their own past, exploring, for example, the long-lasting impact of Amanda’s father’s loss of his sister when he was a young man, her mother’s loss of her own mother, and her parents having had to deal with miscarriages prior to her and her brother’s birth.

• What do you know of the significant experiences that your parents encountered and endured when they were younger that are having significant influence on how they are raising you?
• Are there parts or periods of their life that you know little or nothing about that you are curious or have wondered about? Is there a thoughtful way that you could ask your parents about this, understanding that you would have to respect their privacy should they choose not to discuss it?

The author encourages Amanda not simply to say “yes” or “no” to drugs and alcohol, but to think more carefully about their appeal, and what role they play in her life.

• Whether or not you have tried drugs or alcohol, what do you believe their appeal is or might be for you?
• If you have not experimented with drugs or alcohol, can you imagine the situation in which you would be tempted to?
• If you have already experimented with drugs or alcohol, what has the experience been like? How do you decide when and whether to use?
• When you are using drugs and/or alcohol, how do you know when you’ve had enough?
• At what point would you consider yourself “hooked” or “dependent”, and how would you decide if this were the case?
• If you are using drugs or alcohol more than you think is best and would like to cut back or stop altogether, what would you need to change in your life for this to happen?

The author hypothesizes at one point that depression can be understood as “anger turned inward rather than outward”, anger that is misdirected toward oneself rather than the individual(s) who might be more deserving of it.

• Have you ever noticed a tendency to mute or blunt the anger that you feel towards others?
• Where did you first learn to do this? Are there certain times at which or certain people with whom you tend to do so?
• What would it be like to more accurately direct your anger, either at yourself, when appropriate, or at others?

The author proposes that Amanda’s loneliness is not necessarily something that is to be fought off or feared, but something to be welcomed and understood as a sign that she is leaving her childhood behind, and preparing to embark on adulthood.

• When do you feel most lonely?
• What do you typically do when you’re lonely?
• Do you blame yourself for your loneliness, see it as a sign of your unworthiness?
• What would it take for you to experience your loneliness as your “adult soul…that has opened up…and invited you to enter and inhabit it”?

Amanda’s relationship with her brother is complicated by the fact that her parents seem to favor him over her. The author suggests that Amanda has been actively recruited to be, and has subconsciously taken on the role of, the family scapegoat.

• Is there a regular family scapegoat in your family, an individual who is routinely seen as inadequate or insufficient, or blamed for whatever distress or discomfort the family is experiencing?
• If so, how was the designated scapegoat agreed upon?
• If you have been or are the designated scapegoat, what has the experience been like? What have you done or are you doing to keep yourself in that role? What’s in it for you to remain the family scapegoat?
• What have you done or are you doing to extricate yourself from that role? What’s in it for you to release yourself from the scapegoat role?
• If someone other than you is the family scapegoat, in what ways does this work to your advantage? In what ways does it work to your disadvantage? (If nothing comes to mind, think about the price that Amanda’s brother, Craig, paid for having to be the “perfect son”, and how difficult a time he had once he left home)

The author takes note of the “schedule” of some of Amanda’s crises, discussing, at one point, the possibility that her crises are timed in such a way as to unify her parents during stressful times.

• How do you think your family, particularly your parents and any younger siblings, will function once you have left home?
• What family strengths will help to sustain it once you are no longer living with them?
• What family weaknesses concern you, and make you worried, even a little bit, about how things will unfold once you have left?
• To what extent will you feel any guilt as you begin the process of moving ahead with your life and leaving your family behind?
• What aspects of your family would you like to replicate if/when you start your own family?
• What aspects of your family would you like to do differently if/when you start your own family?

Amanda, like many adolescents, struggles with whether or not she is ready to have sex with her boyfriend.

• If you are already sexually active, how was that decision made?
• If you are not yet sexually active, how would you decide when you were ready to have sex?
• What would be some negative reasons to become sexually active?
• What would be some positive reasons to become sexually active?
• If you are already sexually active, in what ways did it change your relationship, for better or for worse?
• If you are not yet sexually active, in what ways do you imagine it would change a relationship, for better or for worse?
• How would you define healthy sexual responsibility?
• How would you define healthy sexual pleasure?

Towards the end of the book, as Amanda has begun her relationship with Dante, she begins to wonder if she’s “really in love”. The author encourages her to think about loving actions rather than loving feelings.

• As you look over some of the loving actions described on pp. 79-80, which ones seem to characterize the loving relationships you have had, or are in the midst of?
• What are some of the feelings you’ve had that might be easily confused with love (such as infatuation, or jealousy, or neediness)?
• In what ways would you like a love relationship to change you?
• In what ways is a love relationship unlikely to change you?

When Amanda is grieving the death of her friend, Daryl, the author cites Viktor Frankl’s observation that “Death gives life meaning.”

• What encounters have you had with death at this point in your life?
• What is your understanding of death, and whether there is life after death?
• In what ways do you imagine that death can give life “meaning”?
• Do you believe in God? If so, what is your understanding of God?
• What went through your mind when the author suggested that Amanda consider the possibility that God can be perceived as a source of comfort and strength, rather than a source of punishment?

The author proposes that “adolescence happens not only to the adolescent, but to the adolescent’s entire family”.

• In what ways has your becoming an adolescent affected your family as a whole—your parents, your siblings, your grandparents?
• In what ways have they changed as a result of your becoming more separate, more independent?
• In what ways would you like them to change as a result of your becoming more separate, more independent?